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PostSubject: The Joke a thon thread    Fri 20 Aug 2010, 11:51 pm

Got some funny ass jokes?.Then put some fuckin jokes in here!!.

I'll start it off
If 2 rapper's who dont eat meat and dont like each other do they still have beef?
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PostSubject: Re: The Official Joke thread!   Sat 21 Aug 2010, 12:11 am

that is so lame it's funny

Here's 2:
Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so his two best friends, Daryl and Gomer were sent for.

Daryl went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Daryl said, "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over." The mortician rolled him over, and Daryl said, "Nope, ain't Bubba."

The mortician thought that was rather strange. Then he brought Gomer in to identify the body. Gomer took a look at him and said, "Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over." The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, "No, it ain't Bubba."

The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"
Gomer said, "Well, Bubba had two assholes"

"What? He had two assholes! said the mortician.

"Yup, everyone in town knew he had two assholes Everytime we went to town, folks would say, ďHere comes Bubba with them two assholesĒ



this one isnt really a joke it's just kinda funny:

Don't you just love............

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time. I know where
my watch is pal, where is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I
ask where the toilet is?

2. People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room
for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the
channel manually.

3. When people say, "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too".
Thatís right! What good is a cake if you can't eat it?

4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is.
Why would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this?
Who and where are they? (The asylum is my guess)

5. When something is 'new and improved!í Which is it? If it's new, then
there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there
must have been something before it.

6. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, "Has the bus come yet?".
Yes, the bus has come. That's why I'm standing here waiting for it

7. People who say things like 'my eyes aren't what they used to be. So
what did they used to be? Ears, gum, boot?

8.When your eating something and someone asks 'Is that nice?' No it's
really revolting, I always eat stuff I hate.

9. People who announce they are going to the toilet.
Thanks that's an image I really didn't need.

10. When you're involved in an accident and someone asks 'Are you alright?í
Yes fine thanks, I'll just pick up my limbs and be off.

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PostSubject: Re: The Official Joke thread!   Sun 22 Aug 2010, 10:44 am

LMFAO @ the 2 assholes joke.
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PostSubject: Re: The Official Joke thread!   Mon 23 Aug 2010, 2:42 am

A husband returned earlier from a business trip and he wanted to surprise his wife. The wife was, of course, in the bed with the neighbor - Peter. As she heard her husband coming home she told Peter to hide in the wardrobe. She lied down on the floor, pretending she had a heart attack. Her husband came in and saw his wife on the floor. He was very alarmed! At that moment his little kid came in saying: ďDaddy, daddy! Peter is hiding in the wardrobe!Ē
The man went to the wardrobe and shouted: ďYou nerd! Instead helping me with my sick wife, you're playing hide-and-seek with the kid!Ē


hehe

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PostSubject: Re: The Official Joke thread!   Mon 23 Aug 2010, 11:42 am

LOL sexy vixen where are you gettin these jokes from?
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PostSubject: Re: The Official Joke thread!   Mon 23 Aug 2010, 11:48 am

Painting the Porch

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"

The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders she would need were in the garage.

The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"

The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

"You're finished already?" he asked.

"Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."

Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

The Bet

A blonde and a redhead met for dinner after work and were watching the 6 o'clock news. A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge. The blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn't jump, and the redhead replied, "I'll take that bet!"

Anyway, sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the redhead the $50 she owned. The redhead said, "I can't take this, you're my friend." The blonde said, "No. A bet's a bet."

So the redhead said, "Listen, I have to admit, I saw this one on the 5 o'clock news, so I can't take your money."

The blonde replied, "Well, so did I, but I never thought he'd jump again!"
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PostSubject: Re: The Official Joke thread!   Mon 23 Aug 2010, 11:54 am

This one is an actual true story. My two cousins Kyla and Leerock were craving some food late at night. Usually at night they have these little snack bar places next to the open road. My cousin Leerock comes out and asks Kyla,

"So what do you want"

Kyla: I'll just have a hamburger

Leerock walks up to the place and asks the dude.

Leerock: Can I have two burgers please.

Dude: Sorry man, we are all out of burgers.

So Leerock, screams at Kyla, who was still in the car.

Leerock: "Kyla, they are out of hamburgers"

And to everyones surprise who was sitting there, Kyla had this to say.

Kyla: Oh ok, well then can i have a cheese burger

Leerock just stood there looking at her and he was like dont

We tell Kyla everytime, we are 100% sure she's Blond :p
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PostSubject: Re: The Official Joke thread!   Mon 23 Aug 2010, 12:20 pm

"If the world is so popular, why are people dying to be buried?"
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PostSubject: Re: The Official Joke thread!   Mon 23 Aug 2010, 12:54 pm

written on a bathroom wall:

those who write on bathroom stalls
roll their shit in little balls
Those who read these words of wit
eat those little balls of shit


and..

here i sit, brokenhearted
paid a dime and only farted
next time i'll take a chance
save my dime and shit my pants


also..

here I sit in a stinky vapor
because some bastard stole the toilet paper
shall I lie or shall I linger?
or shall I be forced to use my finger?



DrizzyDrakeFan wrote:
LOL sexy vixen where are you gettin these jokes from?

spicyjokes.com

love that site

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PostSubject: Re: The Official Joke thread!   Mon 23 Aug 2010, 1:42 pm

ROFL Kev at the last one.
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PostSubject: Re: The Official Joke thread!   Tue 24 Aug 2010, 1:54 am

lol at the true story and the cheating wife one.

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PostSubject: The Official Joke thread!   Sat 20 Nov 2010, 4:44 pm

Post any and all jokes you come across in here!


Why is 77 better than 69?

Spoiler:
 
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PostSubject: Re: The Official Joke thread!   Sat 20 Nov 2010, 5:22 pm

merged with DL's thread.


whats black and white and red all over?


Spoiler:
 

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PostSubject: Re: The Official Joke thread!   Sat 20 Nov 2010, 5:39 pm

Oops Im sorry Vix I did not see this thread.
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PostSubject: Re: The Official Joke thread!   Sat 20 Nov 2010, 5:41 pm

no biggie...smile

my daughter told me this one:

why did the chicken cross the playground?

Spoiler:
 

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PostSubject: Re: The Official Joke thread!   Sat 20 Nov 2010, 7:45 pm

lol silly.
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PostSubject: Re: The Official Joke thread!   Sun 21 Nov 2010, 10:45 pm

why do women rub their eyes in the morning-----because they don't have balls to scratch!
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PostSubject: Re: The Official Joke thread!   Mon 22 Nov 2010, 2:26 am

LOL wtf
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PostSubject: Re: The Official Joke thread!   Mon 22 Nov 2010, 1:56 pm

This is a dutch poem about men vs. Women, Iíll try to translate but it wonít have the same rhyming effect like the dutch one.



Woman starts off:
I am a woman and thatís not bed
And I donít get aggressive when Iím on the road
I donít leave lights on for no reason and I clean up after myself
If I look for something, I find it one time. I can cook, talk on the phone and much more all at the same time.
When Iím sick, you wonít notice, just drink a pill and back to work.
I worry about important questions and not about soccer game results.
To be a woman itís an honor, sadly men slow down our evolution
Doing what he wants is easy? But who iron his clothes and cooks his meals?
And thatís not the worse about men, itís when they roar.
They think they are the best, even jokes about women they like.
But we let them imagine that, because they canít ever handle the truth.
Men are actually just like kids, playing with cars, just never ends.
Fighting when their team loses, playing video games.
Men never want to hear the truthÖbut without women, they are lost.

Guy continues:
I am a man, and Iím so lucky.
I donít get hysterical, even when I have it too busy.
I donít waste my time wondering what to wear, I can weigh myself ..without getting depressed.
I throw things away and never have things too much. If something is broken, I fix it.
Parking is easy, I do it in one try, we do the same jobs, I just get paid more.
Iím a man, I have common sense, I donít live off anything light drink and 3 leaves of Lettuce
I can go somewhere and find my way back. I make from an elephant easily a fly.
Even if I slept with over 1000 woman, then Iím the manÖand not a slut
When I say Iím finished, we can go. And when I pay, I can stand.
Iím a man and itís a pleasure, I donít get drunk from two glass of beer.
I know what offside is, which is why I roar. Soccer is passion and a fart is funny.
Crying in public is a big no, I can catch something when someone throws it.
Nothing is a necessity, so Iíll be fine. Isnít it wonderful to be a man
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PostSubject: Re: The Official Joke thread!   Mon 22 Nov 2010, 3:04 pm

i got one....

Who's pointless, a shitty wrestler, won a womens title on a fluke and was only around Michelle McCool to stay relevant

answer: LAYLA!!!!!!!

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Princess Keri
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PostSubject: Re: The Official Joke thread!   Mon 22 Nov 2010, 8:07 pm

^BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
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Princess Keri
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PostSubject: Re: The Official Joke thread!   Tue 30 Nov 2010, 3:22 pm

A guy is browsing in a pet shop, and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch.

It doesn't have any feet or legs.

The guy says aloud, 'Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot?'

The parrot says, 'I was born this way.

I'm a defective parrot.'

'Holy crap,' the guy replies.

'You actually understood and answered me. !'

'I got every word,' says the parrot.

'I happen to be a highly intelligent, and a thoroughly educated bird'

'Oh yeah?' the guy asks.

'Then answer this, how do you hang onto your perch, without any feet.?'

'Well,' the parrot says, 'this is very embarrassing, but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar, like a little hook.

You can't see it, because of my feathers.'

'Wow,' says the guy.

'You really can understand, and can speak English, can't you.?'

'Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic, politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy.

I'm especially good at ornithology.

You really ought to buy me, I'd be a great companion.'

The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag.

'Sorry, but I just can't afford that.'

'Pssssssst,' says the parrot, 'I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me, cause I don't have any feet.

You can probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer.!'

The guy offers $20, and walks out with the parrot.

Weeks go by.

The parrot is sensational.

He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful.

The guy is delighted.

One day the guy comes home from work, and the parrot goes, 'Psssssssssssst,' and motions him over with one wing.

'I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife, and the UPS man.'

'What are you talking about,?' asks the guy.

'When the UPS man delivered a package today, your wife greeted him at the door, in a sheer black nightie.'

'WHAT???' the guy asks incredulously.

'THEN what happened?'

'Well, then the UPS man came into the house, and lifted up her nightie, and began petting her all over,' reported the parrot.

'NO!' he exclaims, 'She let him?'

'Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees, and began to kiss her all over.'

Then the frantic guy demands, 'THEN WHAT HAPPENED?'

'DUNNO! I got a hard-on, and fell off my perch!'

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Paul Wyatt
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PostSubject: Re: The Official Joke thread!   Tue 30 Nov 2010, 4:24 pm

rofl applause lool roll shrug laughter Snitsky lmao thumbs up

EPIC!
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REIGNBOW
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PostSubject: Re: The Official Joke thread!   Wed 01 Dec 2010, 12:42 am

Husband: Honey i got a new tattoo today
Wife: Really? what did you get?
Husband: I one hundred dollar bill
Wife: Why did you get tht and where??
*The husband shows his penis with a onehundred dollar billed tatooed on him*
Spoiler:
 


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Paul Wyatt
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PostSubject: Re: The Official Joke thread!   Wed 01 Dec 2010, 4:02 am

LMAO
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The Sexy Vixen
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PostSubject: Re: The Official Joke thread!   Sat 04 Jun 2011, 4:39 pm

Bringing this back with more jokes:

Bob says to Lester, "You know, I reckon I'm about ready for a vacation, only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your advice as to where to go. Two years ago you said to go to Hawaii, I went to Hawaii, and Marie got pregnant. Then last year, you told me to go to the Bahamas, I went to the Bahamas, and Marie got pregnant again." Lester says, "So what you gonna do different this year?" Bob says, "This year, I'm takin' Marie with me..."
---

A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world" The woman says, "I'll miss you."
---

The judge says to a double-homicide defendant, "You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer." A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard." The judge says, "You're also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer." The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, "You God-damned bastard." The judge stops, and says to the guy in the back of the courtroom, "Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime. But no more outbursts from you, or I'll charge you with contempt. Is that a problem?" The guy in the back of the court stands up and says, "For fifteen years, I've lived next door to that bastard, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one."

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Paul Wyatt
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PostSubject: Re: The Official Joke thread!   Sun 05 Jun 2011, 2:48 am

LOL @ the 1st & 3rd one.
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PostSubject: Re: The Official Joke thread!   Mon 06 Jun 2011, 11:47 am

Little Johnny and Class Trivia

It was the end of the school year. The teacher had turned in her grades; there was nothing really for the class to do. All the kids were restless and it was near the end of the day. So the teacher thought of an activity.

She said, "The first ones to answer correctly the questions I ask may leave early today."

Little Johnny said to himself, "Good, I'm smart and I want to get outta here."

The teacher asked, "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"

Before Johnny could open his mouth, Susie said, "Abraham Lincoln."

The teacher said, "That's right Susie. You may go."

Johnny was really mad that Susie had answered first.

The teacher asked, "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"

But before Johnny could open his mouth, Mary said, "Martin Luther King!"

The teacher said, "That's right, Mary. You may go."

Johnny was even madder than before because Mary had answered first.

Then the teacher asked, "Who said 'Ask not what your country can do for you'?"

Before Johnny could open his mouth, Nancy piped, "John Kennedy!" and the teacher said, "That's right, Nancy. you may go."

Now Johnny was furious!

The teacher turned her back, and Johnny muttered, "I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut!"

The teacher spun around. "WHO SAID THAT?"

Johnny said, "BILL CLINTON. CAN I GO NOW?"


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PostSubject: Re: The Official Joke thread!   Tue 07 Jun 2011, 6:14 am

My friend, my cousin and myself were sitting down and awaiting the train. I had a piece of paper in my pocket. I took it out and broke it into tiny pieces...and was about to throw it but then saw some grass and out of the blue, out of pure randomness i said "You can't throw trees on trees, that's canibalism"


It took me about 2 minutes.....to realize the nonesense i just said.....hey you may not think it's funny....but i got a good laugh out of it.
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PostSubject: Re: The Official Joke thread!   Tue 07 Jun 2011, 11:47 am

ok here's one i heard months ago. Kinda corny yet funny.

There were four ducks in the pond. Three of them were blowing bubbles in the pond until the police came in and arrest all the ducks. Two days later they were in court and were all lined up in front of the judge. The judge call the first duck.

Judge: What's your name?

Duck #1: Im Duck

Judge: Why were you arrested?

Duck #1: For blowing bubbles in the pond

Judge: Oh we have a smart ass, get back in line.

The duck gets back in line. The Judge calls the second duck

Judge: What's your name?

Duck #2: Im Duck Duck

Judge: Why were you arrested?

Duck #2: For blowing bubbles in the pond

Judge: We have another smart ass, get back in line.

The second duck went back. The judge calls the third duck.

Judge: What's your name?

Duck #3: Im Duck Duck Duck

Judge: Why were you arrested?

Duck #3: For blowing bubbles in the pond

Judge: Another smart ass? Back in line!

The third duck gets back in line. The Judge calls the last duck.

Judge: What's your name?

Duck #4: Bubbles







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The Sexy Vixen
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PostSubject: Re: The Official Joke thread!   Tue 23 Aug 2011, 5:04 am

Dear America,
Since you released upon us the horror that is Miley Cyrus, we have decided to retaliate.
Its name is Justin Bieber and no-one will be spared.
Yours faithfully,
Canada

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Thanks to Mia for my sig!!!



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PostSubject: Re: The Official Joke thread!   Tue 23 Aug 2011, 8:33 am

Dear NASA,

Your Mom thought I was big enough,


From, Pluto
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