The Official Joke thread!

Got some funny ass jokes?.Then put some fuckin jokes in here!!.

I'll start it off
If 2 rapper's who dont eat meat and dont like each other do they still have beef?

that is so lame it's funny

Here's 2:
Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so his two best friends, Daryl and Gomer were sent for.

Daryl went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Daryl said, "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over." The mortician rolled him over, and Daryl said, "Nope, ain't Bubba."

The mortician thought that was rather strange. Then he brought Gomer in to identify the body. Gomer took a look at him and said, "Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over." The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, "No, it ain't Bubba."

The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"
Gomer said, "Well, Bubba had two assholes"

"What? He had two assholes! said the mortician.

"Yup, everyone in town knew he had two assholes Everytime we went to town, folks would say, “Here comes Bubba with them two assholes”


this one isnt really a joke it's just kinda funny:

Don't you just love............

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time. I know where
my watch is pal, where is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I
ask where the toilet is?

2. People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room
for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the
channel manually.

3. When people say, "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too".
That’s right! What good is a cake if you can't eat it?

4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is.
Why would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this?
Who and where are they? (The asylum is my guess)

5. When something is 'new and improved!’ Which is it? If it's new, then
there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there
must have been something before it.

6. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, "Has the bus come yet?".
Yes, the bus has come. That's why I'm standing here waiting for it

7. People who say things like 'my eyes aren't what they used to be. So
what did they used to be? Ears, gum, boot?

8.When your eating something and someone asks 'Is that nice?' No it's
really revolting, I always eat stuff I hate.

9. People who announce they are going to the toilet.
Thanks that's an image I really didn't need.

10. When you're involved in an accident and someone asks 'Are you alright?’
Yes fine thanks, I'll just pick up my limbs and be off.

LMFAO @ the 2 assholes joke.

A husband returned earlier from a business trip and he wanted to surprise his wife. The wife was, of course, in the bed with the neighbor - Peter. As she heard her husband coming home she told Peter to hide in the wardrobe. She lied down on the floor, pretending she had a heart attack. Her husband came in and saw his wife on the floor. He was very alarmed! At that moment his little kid came in saying: “Daddy, daddy! Peter is hiding in the wardrobe!”
The man went to the wardrobe and shouted: “You nerd! Instead helping me with my sick wife, you're playing hide-and-seek with the kid!”

LOL sexy vixen where are you gettin these jokes from?

Painting the Porch

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"

The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders she would need were in the garage.

The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"

The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

"You're finished already?" he asked.

"Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."

Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

The Bet

A blonde and a redhead met for dinner after work and were watching the 6 o'clock news. A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge. The blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn't jump, and the redhead replied, "I'll take that bet!"

Anyway, sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the redhead the $50 she owned. The redhead said, "I can't take this, you're my friend." The blonde said, "No. A bet's a bet."

So the redhead said, "Listen, I have to admit, I saw this one on the 5 o'clock news, so I can't take your money."

The blonde replied, "Well, so did I, but I never thought he'd jump again!"

This one is an actual true story. My two cousins Kyla and Leerock were craving some food late at night. Usually at night they have these little snack bar places next to the open road. My cousin Leerock comes out and asks Kyla,

"So what do you want"

Kyla: I'll just have a hamburger

Leerock walks up to the place and asks the dude.

Leerock: Can I have two burgers please.

Dude: Sorry man, we are all out of burgers.

So Leerock, screams at Kyla, who was still in the car.

Leerock: "Kyla, they are out of hamburgers"

And to everyones surprise who was sitting there, Kyla had this to say.

Kyla: Oh ok, well then can i have a cheese burger

Leerock just stood there looking at her and he was like

We tell Kyla everytime, we are 100% sure she's Blond :p

"If the world is so popular, why are people dying to be buried?"

written on a bathroom wall:

those who write on bathroom stalls
roll their shit in little balls
Those who read these words of wit
eat those little balls of shit

and..

here i sit, brokenhearted
paid a dime and only farted
next time i'll take a chance
save my dime and shit my pants

also..

here I sit in a stinky vapor
because some bastard stole the toilet paper
shall I lie or shall I linger?
or shall I be forced to use my finger?

DrizzyDrakeFan wrote:

LOL sexy vixen where are you gettin these jokes from?

spicyjokes.com

love that site

ROFL Kev at the last one.

lol at the true story and the cheating wife one.

Post any and all jokes you come across in here!


Why is 77 better than 69?

Spoiler:

merged with DL's thread.


whats black and white and red all over?

Spoiler:

Oops Im sorry Vix I did not see this thread.

no biggie...

my daughter told me this one:

why did the chicken cross the playground?

Spoiler:

lol silly.

why do women rub their eyes in the morning-----because they don't have balls to scratch!

LOL wtf

This is a dutch poem about men vs. Women, I’ll try to translate but it won’t have the same rhyming effect like the dutch one.