Well this day was kinda a bust. I know everything happens for a reason. But was the reason so that the universe can give me a big fuck you?

I was supposed to meet up with one of my best friends today. But he had to work. He called few minutes after I left.

So now I didn't have shit to do.

Krav Maga and Rios is closed so I couldn't go to the gym or get a haircut.

Today is "someones" birthday.

I wrote her a badass rap and she liked it. She said "Thanks a bunch."

Well I told her about today and posted it again on her FB.

Now both posts are gone.

She probably didn't want everyone else to see it. Maybe it was a little personal. And she has a boyfriend.

I expected her to delete it but it still hurts.

No one responds to my PM's so waiting for no reply drives a guy crazy.

Maybe it's nothing. Maybe I'm just paranoid. When I see her everything will be fine.

But...

I know I'm not gonna have her. Am I an upgrade or a downgrade?

Do I even deserve her?

I just want to be a good friend but did I push it too far? I can't help it.

I'm getting tired of living in this wicked world.

I don't want to die but I'm ready to go.

I feel like a loser trying to make the most out my 1%.

All I have is my songs.

I may have recorded some today but today was a bust.

At least I ordered pizza but I'm too tired to workout so I'm gonna get fat.

I know I have more than most of the world. But I don't have anything to keep me going.

She kept me going. Whether I can have her or not. Thinking of her or seeing her makes me smile.

But I can't have her. So I feel like another loser.

I'm just here. Off of work. Nothing to do but be in pain and play Tekken.

Should I work my ass off for 1.2.1.90 trading cards and kill my soul?

Should I stay and wait to see if we will experience the true wonders of the world.

Or should I go and gain spirit powers so I can fight evil?

But whatever heaven is it's not mine.

If people are still suffering that's not my heaven.

How can anything be better than experiencing her?

Maybe I can create her image but I can't create her soul.

So I'm here...nothing to do but to think about what I can't have.

Where's my miracle? Where's my reward?

I have special needs friends. I help people. I say nice things to her. Not to get in her head. But to get in her soul.

But I still don't have anything.

Her boyfriend didn't do shit and he's with her now as I'm just here.

So I don't want to die but I'm ready to go.