I think the title sums up my feelings right now. If you don't want to read the whole thing, fine by me, just please read the last little bit.

Some of you may or may not know, that last month I split up with my girlfriend over over a year. I found myself unable to trust her and no longer enjoyed talking to her due to what seemed like constant arguing. I was fine with it then and although we had a big arguement a few days later, we soon patched things up and became friends again. All seemed peachy.

But over the past couple of weeks I've started feeling really lonely. I started smoking again and have been drinking more than I really should. My first night back on Orkney I got so drunk I threw up and have basically been depressed since. Last night (Saturday) I went to a club because I wanted to feel as though someone might be attracted to me, even for just one night, or at least to make a new friend. I entered the club alone, I left the club having failed to pull and with no new friends. To make things worse, a couple of days ago my now ex entered into a new relationship, and today I saw a picture of the two of them together. Seeing that picture made me realise I made a mistake breaking up with her.

After a short conversation tonight, I realise I had well and truely lost her and that I fucked up big time. Even at our worst, I was still happier with her than I am now.

I'm feeling a bit lost, missing female company. And I don't mean the company of a girl who's a friend, or a stranger I drunkenly want to sleep with. I mean I miss the comfort of someone who wants to be with me, who loves me.

I don't want comfort or pity, I fucked up big. I want to impart a message to all who care to read this. I want you all to learn from my mistakes. If you're with someone and you truely love them, use everything in your power to hold onto them. I didn't, and it's driven me down a dark path, one I really don't want to be on.