Dead's EWR presents: SHIMMER

SHIMMER #1

Segment 1
Cheerleader Melissa vs Amazing Kong.

Match Background: None.

The Match: Kong hits a right hand. STIFF~! chop lights up Melissa who covers up to try and stop the agonizing PAIN! Melissa gets slammed down hard and winces in pain. Covers for a quick two count. BAAACK Body drop by Melissa gets a bit of a pop from the crowd. There's a two count on the pin. Melissa blocks a kick from Amazing Kong. Double arm suplex by Cheerleader Melissa connects as Kong hits hard. Covers for a quick two count. Vicious back suplex! Amazing Kong got nailed big time! Amazing Kong elbows Cheerleader Melissa in the face to break a hammerlock. Spear! Melissa is down! Cheerleader Melissa is in trouble. Here it comes - Amazing Bomb. 1....2...3, it's finished. Amazing Kong remains in the ring, celebrating the victory.

Winner: Kong

Segment 2
Amber O'Neal vs Daizee Haze vs Jennifer Blake.

Match Background: This will be an elimination bout.

The Match: Blake hits a short arm drag on The Haze. Blake hits a quick kick on A. O'Neal. The Haze reverses a waistlock. Flying elbow from Daizee Haze, grazing the target slightly. Flying elbow off the top rope by Amber O'Neal, getting as close to zero air as possible. Pinfall attempt: ONE...TWO...NO! Blake hits an arm drag on A. O'Neal, follows it up with about 3 more and locks in an armbar for good measure. Blake charges into the corner but EATS BOOT. The Haze \ A. O'Neal whip Blake into the ropes and hit a double backdrop. Daizee Haze with an enziguri. ONE...TWO...THREE. The Haze defeats Blake. Daizee Haze uses a running dropkick into the corner. That was just...ugh. The Haze charges into the corner but EATS BOOT. Slingshot clothesline by A. O'Neal, who almost messed it up by slipping on the ropes. Hooks the leg for a two count. The Haze powers out of a headlock. Daizee Haze uses a running dropkick into the corner. That was just...ugh. Amber O'Neal is in trouble. Here it comes - Daizee Cutter. 1....2...3, it's finished.

Winner: Haze

Segment 3
Jetta vs Malia Hosaka.

Match Background: None.

The Match: Jetta walks into a spinning heel kick which almost causes a decapitation! Malia Hosaka uses a running dropkick into the corner. That was just...ugh. There's a two count on the pin. Jetta powers out of a headlock. Hosaka takes a kick to the chest, and staggers back. A blind charge only gets an even HARDER kick. Jetta hits a spinning back kick. All those spinning kicks look alike, don't they. Covers for a quick two count. Swan dive headbutt from Jetta but without much elevation on the move. Pinfall attempt: ONE...TWO...NO! Face crusher from Jetta on Hosaka sets up for an elbowdrop. Hosaka reverses a waistlock. Flying elbow off the top rope by Malia Hosaka, getting as close to zero air as possible. Hooks the leg for a two count. Swan dive headbutt from Hosaka but without much elevation on the move. Hooks the leg! ONE...TWO...NO! Malia Hosaka arm drags Jetta over and locks on an armbar. Malia Hosaka strikes Jetta. Jetta ducks a wild right hand. Jetta hits a dropkick on Malia Hosaka. Actually, it barely touched! Jetta nearly ends the career of Hosaka with a screwed up german suplex. GET AWAY FROM THE WRESTLING BUSINESS! The referee tries to separate the two grapplers...and gets knocked over and trampled on as they brawl! That's enough, the referee calls for the bell - double DQ!

Result: Double DQ

Segment 4
Sara Del Rey vs Rain.

Match Background: None.

The Match: Trying to channel the spirit of Misawa, Sara Del Rey ends up chanelling Lex Luger instead and nails a running forearm to the face, minus the steel plate, of course. Del Rey hits a right hand. Del Rey slams Rain down and motions to the crowd. Rude Awakening neckbreaker on Rain by Del Rey. Remember when that was a legit finish? Rain pulls a mule kick out of nowhere. Rain hits a dropkick on Sara Del Rey. Actually, it barely touched! BRUTAL forearm by Rain, the operative word being brutal. Hooks the leg for a two count. Del Rey counters a sleeper with a jaw breaker and is able to get free! Rain walks into a side slam. Think about how much talent it takes to side slam someone. Nash can do it. Covers for a quick two count. Brutal sit out powerbomb on Rain! Cover, ONE...TWO...NO! I honestly thought that match was going to end right then and there. Rain blocks a kick from Sara Del Rey. Rain hits a quick kick on Del Rey. Del Rey blocks a kick from Rain. Del Rey slams Rain down and motions to the crowd. Rain is in trouble. Royal Butterfly! 1....2....3.

Winner: Sara Del Rey

Segment 5
Allison Danger vs Ashley Lane vs Mercedes Martinez vs Roxxi Laveaux.

Match Background: This will be a four corners bout.

The Match: Danger suplexes Mercedes to the canvas and floats over. Allison Danger gets back up now and snap suplexes Mercedes. Hooks the leg for a two count. Suplex into a front slam from Danger, but the execution was CRAPTASTIC~!. Mercedes pushes out of a Allison Danger hold. Danger takes a vertical suplex, but pops right back up. Hooks the leg for a two count. Mercedes Martinez hits an ugly looking bulldog off the ropes. Hooks the leg for a two count. Danger counters an arm wringer with an elbow to the side of the head. Danger suplexes Lane to the canvas and picks the opponent back up again. Tag to Ashley Lane. Lane hits a spinning back kick. All those spinning kicks look alike, don't they. Lane tries to channel the power of Kawada, but ends up channeling the power of Trish Stratus instead by hitting a high kick on Ashley Lane. Face crusher from Lane on Mercedes sets up for an elbowdrop. Ashley Lane with an enziguri! HBK isn't moving...uh oh. Oh, sorry, I had a flashback to the last time I got fooled. Pin, but Mercedes is out just before the three count. Tag to Roxxi Laveaux. Big dropkick by Roxxi Laveaux, who got a ton of air on the move. Roxxi Laveaux scores with a crappy looking standing spinebuster. Could have been done a hell of a lot better though. Covers for a quick two count. Running clothesline from Roxxi Laveaux was actually MIGHTY sloppy. Covers for a quick two count. Roxxi Laveaux hits a shitty missile dropkick on Mercedes. Pinfall attempt: ONE...TWO...NO! Mercedes tags out to Allison Danger. Allison Danger hits a shitty missile dropkick on Roxxi. Roxxi tastes a high angle back suplex. If Spike Lee can sue TNN over the Spike TV nonsense, then Kurt Angle should be able to sue SOMEONE for that. Roxxi Laveaux walks into a chop. That must have hurt. Roxxi Laveaux avoids a Allison Danger avalanche by getting out of the damn way! TIGER DRIVER~! '91 nearly crushes the spine of Danger! Roxxi Laveaux moves in for the kill. Voodoo Slam! 1....2....3.

Winner: Roxxi

Segment 6
SHIMMER Championship Match
MsChif (champion) vs LuFisto.

Match Background: This match is for the Shimmer title.

The Match: LuFisto gets hip tossed by MsChif. MsChif hits a back kick, doubling LuFistoover. MsChif arm drags LuFisto over and locks on an armbar. MsChif hits a spinning back kick. All those spinning kicks look alike, don't they. LuFisto blocks a kick from MsChif. THERE IT IS! A legdrop to the BACK OF THE HEAD! I swear, that makes any match just a little bit better. I don't mind telling you that every time I see it, that's for sure. Super kick by LuFisto. Hooks the leg for a two count. MsChif flips out of a LuFisto bodyslam attempt. Back heel kick from MsChif on LuFisto but it misses by miles. Hooks the leg for a two count. Slingshot clothesline by MsChif, who almost messed it up by slipping on the ropes. Hooks the leg! ONE...TWO...NO! MsChif charges into the corner but EATS BOOT. LuFisto strikes MsChif. MsChif reverses a LuFisto hammerlock. LuFisto walks into a spinning heel kick which almost causes a decapitation! MsChif moves in for the kill. Here it comes - Desecrator. 1....2...3, it's finished.

Winner: MsChif

SHIMMER #2

Segment 1
Cat Power vs Lorelei Lee.

Match Background: None.

The Match: Power just FLATTENS Lorelei Lee with a hard right hand! Power suplexes Lorelei Lee badly. Hooks the leg for a two count. Lorelei reverses a Cat Power hammerlock. Forearm to the face from Lorelei on Power. Lorelei hits a soaring kick on Power. Hooks the leg for a two count. Lorelei Lee blasts Power with a superkick. Pin, but Power is out just before the three count. Power walks into a spinning heel kick which almost causes a decapitation! Power blocks the suplex attempt and is able to hit the suplex instead! Power suplexes Lorelei Lee badly. Hooks the leg for a two count. Power hits a badly done swinging DDT on Lorelei Lee. Pin, but Lorelei is out just before the three count. Right hand from Power on Lorelei. Leg trip from Cat Power knocks the opponent down. Lorelei reverses a Cat Power hammerlock. Lorelei hits a dropkick on Cat Power. Actually, it barely touched! Slingshot clothesline by Lorelei, who almost messed it up by slipping on the ropes. Lorelei Lee has Cat Power down on the canvas. Hog Tie!!! Cat Power taps out!

Winner: Lee

Segment 2
SHIMMER Tag Team Championship Match
Lane and Nevaeh (champions) vs Danyah and Madison Eagles.

Match Background: This match is for the Shimmer Tag Team titles.

The Match: Nevaeh hits a quick arm drag on Danyah. Kick to the gut from Nevaeh, who sadly, was even able to botch THAT. Slingshot clothesline by Nevaeh, who almost messed it up by slipping on the ropes. Danyah tags out to Madison Eagles. Punisher hits a weak kick to the midsection, doubling the opponent over. Nevaeh flips out of a Madison Eagles bodyslam attempt. Nevaeh hits a weak kick to the midsection, doubling the opponent over. Tag to Ashley Lane. Lane and Nevaeh whip Punisher into the corner. Nevaeh whips Ashley Lane in for a hard clothesline to follow-up. Ashley Lane uses a running dropkick into the corner. That was just...ugh. Ashley Lane with an enziguri. Tag to Nevaeh. Madison Eagles is all alone...Curse of Curves!! 1....2....3!

Winners: Lane & Nevaeh

Segment 3
Amazing Kong vs Ariel.

Match Background: None.

The Match: Ariel snapmares Amazing Kong and goes for the DREADED chinlock. Ariel gets taken down out of nowhere! Ariel walks into a side slam. Think about how much talent it takes to side slam someone. Nash can do it. Powerbomb on Ariel. Ariel can barely stand. Here it comes - Implant Buster. 1....2...3, it's finished.

Winner: Kong

Segment 4
Mercedes Martinez vs Blue Nikita.

Match Background: Nikita is making her debut at this show.

The Match: Blue Nikita takes a right hand to the temple from Mercedes. I bet those hurt more than Sgt. Slaughter's Noogies. A weak headbutt on Nikita by Mercedes causes nothing but pain for both. Mercedes Martinez with a badly-executed spinning neckbreaker on Nikita. One more performed that badly and this match will end on a bad note, if you get my drift. Mercedes Martinez hits a right hand on Blue Nikita. Nikita powers out of a headlock. Mercedes takes a hard, stinging chop from Nikita. One word: Ow. Back heel kick from Nikita on Mercedes. Hooks the leg for a two count. Mercedes backdrops Blue Nikita out of a piledriver attempt. That took a lot out of Mercedes Martinez. Mercedes Martinez hits an ugly looking bulldog off the ropes. There's a two count on the pin. Sloppy discus punch from Mercedes Martinez barely connects on Nikita. Pinfall attempt: ONE...TWO...NO! Blue Nikita powers out of a Mercedes Martinez headlock. Nikita hits a back kick, doubling Mercedesover. Mercedes reverses a waistlock. Mercedes Martinez with a badly-executed spinning neckbreaker on Nikita. One more performed that badly and this match will end on a bad note, if you get my drift. Blue Nikita is in trouble. Fisherman Buster! 1....2....3.

Winner: Mercedes

Segment 5
Joy Giovanni vs Elektra.

Match Background: Joy is making her debut at this show. Elektra is making her debut at this show.

The Match: A powerslam so weak, my grandmother could have performed it, is actually pulled off by Elektra on Joy. Badly executed second rope splash by Elektra convinces me that I can do better. There's a two count on the pin. Joy reverses a Elektra hammerlock. Joy hits a quick arm drag on Elektra. Chop by Joy on Elektra gets a WOO! from the crowd and rightfully so. Hooks the leg for a two count. Joy face jams Elektra. Pinfall attempt: ONE...TWO...NO! Elektra takes a second rope chop from Joy. I haven't seen one of those in years. Elektra powers out of a Joy Giovanni headlock. Elektra hits a stump piledriver on Joy Giovanni. Hooks the leg for a two count. Sloppy discus punch from Elektra barely connects on Joy. Pinfall attempt: ONE...TWO...NO! Big forearm by Elektra draws laughter from the crowd because it was THAT bad. Uninspiring brawling from Elektra. Check them brawlin' stats, boy. Joy Giovanni powers out of a Elektra headlock. Elektra takes a second rope chop from Joy. I haven't seen one of those in years. Slingshot clothesline by Joy, who almost messed it up by slipping on the ropes. Joy Giovanni moves in for the kill. Here it comes - Spear. 1....2...3, it's finished. Lauren Jones comes running down the aisle, and gets into the ring! Lauren Jones spins Joy around. Lauren Jones hits the b***** Slap! Joy Giovanni has been left down on the canvas.

Winner: Joy

Segment 6
Lacey Von Erich vs LuFisto.

Match Background: Lacey is making her debut at this show.

The Match: Lacey hits a wheel kick on LuFisto. Flying elbow off the top rope by Lacey Von Erich, but there was NO elevation off the leap. Hooks the leg for a two count. LuFisto reverses a waistlock. Lacey receives some punishment by LuFisto but with that horrid offense, we're the only ones truly being punished. LuFisto uses a basement dropkick to the knee and it looks like it might be TIME TO GO TO SCHOOL~! There's a two count on the pin. Tiger suplex on Lacey. No Misawa references from me, I swear. Oh, dammit. Pin, but Lacey is out just before the three count. Lacey takes a flying neckbreaker from LuFisto. LuFisto goes for a splash but Lacey puts the knees up. Flying elbow off the top rope by Lacey Von Erich, but there was NO elevation off the leap. There's a two count on the pin. Slingshot clothesline by Lacey, who almost messed it up by slipping on the ropes. Cover, ONE...TWO...NO! I honestly thought that match was going to end right then and there. Lacey Von Erich attacks with some poorly executed flying moves. This kid sure ain't Rey Jr. Lacey hits a quick kick on LuFisto, only for LuFisto to pop back up and eat another one. Lacey goes for a splash but LuFisto puts the knees up. LuFisto hits a rolling kick on Lacey. Konnan has ruined any chance for me ever enjoying this maneuver again with his shitty execution of it. Lacey walks into a face crusher variation. Has anyone's face ever really been crushed by one though? LuFisto moves in for the kill. Here it comes - LuFisto's Law. 1....2...3, it's finished.

Winner: LuFisto

Segment 7
SHIMMER Championship Match
MsChif (champion) vs Alicia Webb vs Valentine.

Match Background: This will be a hardcore bout. A. Webb is making her debut at this show. She is a regular with AAA. Valentine is making her debut at this show. This match is for the Shimmer title.

The Match: MsChif tastes a spinning neckbreaker from Valentine. I bet it didn't taste too good. Valentine with an arm drag that somehow looks like Alicia Webb did all the work. MsChif counters an arm wringer with an elbow to the side of the head. MsChif hits an irish whip into a shopping cart! A. Webb hits a stump piledriver on MsChif. Hooks the leg! ONE...TWO...NO! Chop from Valentine on A. Webb in the corner sends A. Webb reeling out. A. Webb reverses a Valentine hammerlock. MsChif \ A. Webb whip Valentine into the corner. MsChif whips Alicia Webb in for a hard clothesline to follow-up. Flying knee to the face from MsChif. For the record it was more of a Rusty Wizard than a Shining one. Alicia Webb with a cane to the leg. Now that's psychology in a hardcore match! A. Webb goes for a splash but MsChif puts the knees up. MsChif hits a soaring kick on Valentine. MsChif moves in for the kill. Here it comes - Desecrator. 1....2...3, it's finished.

Winner: MsChif

SHIMMER #3

Segment 1
Kong and Saeed vs Blue Nikita and Lorelei Lee.

Match Background: Kong and Saeed used to be a regular team, but have been inactive for a while. Whether this match will lead to a reformation as an active unit remains to be seen.

The Match: Spin kick by Cheerleader Melissa to the face sends the opponent FLYING across the ring. BRAINBUSTAH~! by Cheerleader Melissa! Melissa tags out to Amazing Kong. Bodyslam by Kong. There's a two count on the pin. Death valley driver by Amazing Kong! No one executes that move properly anymore. Kong tags out to Cheerleader Melissa. Kong and Saeed whip Nikita into the ropes and hit a double backdrop. Pinfall attempt: ONE...TWO...NO! Blue Nikita avoids a Cheerleader Melissa avalanche by getting out of the damn way! Tag to Lorelei Lee. Lorelei hits an arm drag on Melissa, follows it up with about 3 more and locks in an armbar for good measure. Back heel kick from Lorelei on Melissa but it misses by miles. Lorelei tags out to Blue Nikita. Lorelei \ Nikita hook up Melissa, then hit a double suplex. Melissa takes a hard, stinging chop from Nikita. One word: Ow. Back heel kick from Nikita on Melissa. Nikita tags out to Lorelei Lee. Face crusher from Lorelei on Melissa sets up for an elbowdrop. Melissa ducks a wild right hand. Tag between Cheerleader Melissa and Amazing Kong. Spear by Amazing Kong. Lorelei Lee is in trouble. Amazing Bomb!!! That shook the ring. 1....2....3!!

Winners: Kong & Melissa

Segment 2
Allison Danger vs Elektra.

Match Background: None.

The Match: Allison Danger slams Elektra down and decides on what to do next. Elektra walks into a chop to the pecs. Ouchy. There's a two count on the pin. Elektra blocks a punch. A powerslam so weak, my grandmother could have performed it, is actually pulled off by Elektra on Danger. Elektra hits some weak-looking punches in the corner, but Allison Danger is able to block them and return the favor in spades. Elektra hits a BIG clothesline for two! Danger pushes out of a Elektra hold. Suplex into a front slam from Danger, but the execution was CRAPTASTIC~!. Allison Danger moves in for the kill. Lovelace Choker!!! That shook the ring. 1....2....3!!

Winner: Danger

Segment 3
Lauren Jones vs Joy Giovanni.

Match Background: This will be a hardcore bout.

The Match: Joy Giovanni connects on Lauren Jones with a flurry in the corner...but no one seems to care. Joy hits a wheel kick on Lauren. Hooks the leg for a two count. Lauren counters a backdrop attempt with a kick to the face and hit a clothesline! Flying dropkick from Lauren on Joy gets a two count. Lauren hits a weak kick to the midsection, doubling the opponent over. Flying cookie sheet shot by Lauren, blasting Joy in the face with it. Joy counters an arm wringer with an elbow to the side of the head. Joy Giovanni hits a crappy missile dropkick on Lauren. Lauren Jones can barely stand. Spear! 1....2....3. Lauren Jones gives a murderous look toward Joy Giovanni...and attacks! Joy gets dropped to the canvas, then battered with a barrage of rights and lefts. Lauren picks her up...and launches her over the top rope to the outside. A small measure of revenge has been taken.

Winner: Joy

Segment 4
Alicia Webb vs Daffney vs Lacey Von Erich vs Stingeress.

Match Background: This will be a four corners bout. Daffney is making her debut at this show. She is a regular with TNA. Stingeress is making her debut at this show.

The Match: Alicia Webb punches away at Stingeress. Stingeress takes a weak kick. Hooks the leg for a two count. Suplex into a front slam from A. Webb, but it was just TERRIBLE. Stingeress blocks a punch. Punch by Stingeress, missing A. Webb COMPLETELY. I'm just glad thatA. Webb didn't sell it. Hooks the leg for a two count. Stingeress hits a sloppy ass bulldog off the ropes. Covers for a quick two count. Stingeress misses a big legdrop after stalling too long. Daffney gets hip tossed by A. Webb and follows it up with two more. Tag between Alicia Webb and Daffney. Stingeress takes a knee lift from Daffney. *sigh* Running knee lifts always remind me of the late Curt Hennig. Back heel kick from Daffney on Daffney. Stingeress walks into a spinning heel kick which almost causes a decapitation! Daffney face jams Stingeress. Hooks the leg! ONE...TWO...NO! Daffney tags out to Lacey Von Erich. Chop by Lacey on Stingeress gets a WOO! from the crowd and rightfully so. Flying knee to the face from Lacey Von Erich. There's a two count on the pin. Dropkick from Lacey results in the front row looking for Stingeress's teeth!Hooks the leg for a two count. Back heel kick from Lacey on Stingeress. Pinfall attempt: ONE...TWO...NO! I would have bought that as the finish! Tag between Stingeress and Alicia Webb. Alicia Webb hits a sloppy ass bulldog off the ropes. Alicia Webb strikes Lacey Von Erich. Lacey Von Erich walks into a chop and BUMPS OFF IT. I love that. Lacey Von Erich elbows Alicia Webb in the face to break a hammerlock. Lacey Von Erich blasts A. Webb with a superkick, but it sucked royally. Alicia Webb can barely stand. DDT!!! That shook the ring. 1....2....3!!

Winner: Lacey

Segment 5
Serena Deeb vs Wesna Busic.

Match Background: None.

The Match: Serena hits a quick kick on Wesna. Serena Deeb strikes Wesna. A kick from Serena is delivered to the leg. Covers for a quick two count. Wesna Busic takes a knee lift from Serena. *sigh* Running knee lifts always remind me of the late Curt Hennig. There's a two count on the pin. Wesna Busic reverses a hip toss. Uninspired brawling from Wesna Busic. There's a two count on the pin. Wesna Busic DDTs Serena, but it just looked terrible. Wesna Busic misses a big legdrop after stalling too long. Slingshot clothesline by Serena, who almost messed it up by slipping on the ropes. Wesna Busic can barely stand. Serena Spear!!! That shook the ring. 1....2....3!!

Winner: Serena

Segment 6
SHIMMER Championship Match
MsChif (champion) vs Rain.

Match Background: This match is for the Shimmer title.

The Match: Rain slams MsChif down and decides on what to do next. Double leg takedown from Rain sets up a ground and pound in the middle of the ring. What the hell is this, UFC? Hooks the leg for a two count. MsChif backdrops Rain out of a piledriver attempt. That took a lot out of MsChif. Face crusher from MsChif on Rain sets up for an elbowdrop. MsChif snapmares Rain and goes for the DREADED chinlock. Rain walks into a spinning heel kick which almost causes a decapitation! MsChif misses a big legdrop after stalling too long. Rain uses a running dropkick into the corner. That was just...ugh. MsChif is in trouble. Rain Drop!!! That shook the ring. 1....2....3!!

Winner: Rain

SHIMMER #4

Match 1
Daffney vs Madison Eagles.

Match Background: None.

The Match: Punisher takes a kick to the chest, and staggers back. A blind charge only gets an even HARDER kick. Daffney hits an arm drag on Punisher, follows it up with about 3 more and locks in an armbar for good measure. Back heel kick from Daffney on Punisher. Slingshot clothesline by Daffney, who almost messed it up by slipping on the ropes. Madison Eagles gets knocked to the ground by Daffney, who is already climbing the turnbuckle. Frankenscreamer!!! 1....2....3!! It's all over.

Winner: Daffney

Match 2
LuFisto vs MsChif.

Match Background: None.

The Match: Spinning back kick from LuFisto. LuFisto just WAFFLES MsChif with a STIFF chop that hurt ME to watch! LuFisto kicks the leg, knocks MsChif down, and goes to work on it. There's a two count on the pin. MsChif takes a flying neckbreaker from LuFisto. Hooks the leg for a two count. MsChif reverses a LuFisto hammerlock. LuFisto gets hip tossed by MsChif. Covers for a quick two count. MsChif uses a running dropkick into the corner. That was just...ugh. MsChif charges into the corner but EATS BOOT. Flapjack from LuFisto on MsChif. MsChif gets knocked to the ground by LuFisto, who is already climbing the turnbuckle. Through the air, Diving Star! 1....2....3.

Winner: LuFisto

Match 3
Allison Danger vs Jennifer Blake vs Lexie Fyfe vs Ms. Natural.

Match Background: This will be an elimination bout.

The Match: Jennifer Blake hits Fyfe. Blake hits a spinning back kick. All those spinning kicks look alike, don't they. Covers for a quick two count. Lexie Fyfe avoids a Jennifer Blake avalanche by getting out of the damn way! Tag between Lexie Fyfe and Allison Danger. Danger suplexes Blake to the canvas and floats over. Blake reverses an irish whip...and Allison Danger runs into the referee! Forward suplex from Danger. Pinfall attempt, but the ref is out and can't count to three! Jennifer Blake walks into a chop to the pecs. Ouchy. Blake reverses a Allison Danger hammerlock. Tag between Jennifer Blake and Ms. Natural. Flying elbow off the top rope by Ms. Natural, but there was NO elevation off the leap. Natural suplexes Danger to the canvas and floats over. Allison Danger elbows Ms. Natural in the face to break a hammerlock. Ms. Natural walks into a chop to the pecs. Ouchy. Allison Danger nearly ends the career of Natural with a screwed up german suplex. GET AWAY FROM THE WRESTLING BUSINESS! ONE...TWO...THREE. Danger defeats Natural. Wack kick from Fyfe. Danger gets splashed in the corner. There's a two count on the pin. Fyfe hits a piledriver on Allison Danger. I know I wouldn't let someone that bad give me a piledriver. Pinfall attempt: ONE...TWO...NO! I would have bought that as the finish! Allison Danger is able to duck a clothesline attempt and connect with a counter clothesline. Allison Danger nearly ends the career of Fyfe with a screwed up german suplex. GET AWAY FROM THE WRESTLING BUSINESS! Tag to Jennifer Blake. Jennifer Blake with an enziguri. Cover gets three for Jennifer Blake, Fyfe got pinned. Forearm to the face from Blake on Danger. Allison Danger pulls a mule kick out of nowhere. Allison Danger scores with a poor face jam on Jennifer Blake. Pinfall attempt: ONE...TWO...NO! I would have bought that as the finish! Blake counters a backdrop attempt with a kick to the face and hit a clothesline! Flying elbow from Jennifer Blake, grazing the target slightly. Jennifer Blake moves in for the kill. Dynamite Destroyer!!! That shook the ring. 1....2....3!!

Winner: Blake

Match 4
Last Man Standing Match
Joy Giovanni vs Lauren Jones.

Match Background: This will be a last man standing bout.

The Match: HARD Chop by Joy on Lauren. Flying cookie sheet shot by Joy, blasting Lauren in the face with it. Joy Giovanni connects with some weak punches on Lauren Jones. Lauren Jones gets hip tossed by Joy, allowing Joy to take a moment and play to the crowd. The referee is counting: 5....6....Lauren Jones is back up. Joy Giovanni gets taken down out of nowhere! Joy Giovanni gets hip tossed by Lauren and follows it up with two more. The referee gets to a five count....and Joy Giovanni gets back up. Back heel kick from Lauren on Joy, but it missed by miles. Lauren Jones gets taken down out of nowhere! Joy face jams Lauren Jones. Lauren Jones is in trouble. Spear!!! That shook the ring. The referee counts to 10, this match is over! Joy Giovanni remains in the ring, celebrating the victory.

Winner: Joy

Match 5
10 Man Battle Royal.

Match Background: None.

The Match: Lacey hits a quick kick on A. Webb, only for A. Webb to pop back up and eat another one. Alicia Webb was eliminated by Lacey. (Elimination # 1) THERE IT IS! A legdrop to the BACK OF THE HEAD! I swear, that makes any match just a little bit better. I don't mind telling you that every time I see it, that's for sure. Daizee Haze got tossed over the top rope to the floor HARD by Melissa. (Elimination # 2) Big piledriver on Lacey. Del Rey tried to eliminate Lacey Von Erich, who hung onto the top rope for dear life! Forearm to the face from Lacey on Mercedes. Flying knee to the face from Lacey Von Erich. Kong hits a right hand. Ashley Lane charges into the corner, but EATS BOOT and staggers backward. Del Rey hits a right hand. Del Rey tried to eliminate Lacey Von Erich, who hung onto the top rope for dear life! Amber O'Neal uses an armbreaker to take Valerie down and applies an armbar. There's no quit in Valerie yet though. Valerie Malone got eliminated by A. O'Neal. (Elimination # 3) Ashley Lane arm drags A. O'Neal over and locks on an armbar. Amber O'Neal was eliminated by Lane. (Elimination # 4) Weak kicks from Lacey, who is moving slug-like...or should I say Nash-like? Amazing Kong got tossed over the top rope to the floor HARD by Lacey. (Elimination # 5) Lane hits a spinning back kick. All those spinning kicks look alike, don't they. Mercedes Martinez got eliminated by Lane. (Elimination # 6) Lane hits an arm drag on Melissa, follows it up with about 3 more and locks in an armbar for good measure. Cheerleader Melissa got eliminated by Lane. (Elimination # 7) Lacey takes a hard, stinging chop from Lane. One word: Ow. Lane snapmares Lacey Von Erich and goes for the DREADED chinlock. Lacey hits a quick kick on Lane, only for Lane to pop back up and eat another one. Ashley Lane got bundled out by Lacey. (Elimination # 8) Forearm to the face from Lacey on Del Rey. Lacey Von Erich attacks with some poorly executed flying moves. This kid sure ain't Rey Jr. Lacey Von Erich floors Sara Del Rey. Here it comes...Claw! Sara Del Rey is almost unconscious with pain! Sara Del Rey got bundled out by Lacey.

Winner: Lacey

Match 6
SHIMMER Championship Match
Rain (champion) vs Rachel Summerlyn.

Match Background: This match is for the Shimmer title. Rain has been Shimmer champion since 15 March 2009.

The Match: Summerlyn takes a back suplex. Rain uses an armbreaker to take Summerlyn down and applies an armbar. There's no quit in Summerlyn yet though. Hooks the leg for a two count. Summerlyn powers out of a headlock. A powerslam so weak, my grandmother could have performed it, is actually pulled off by Summerlyn on Rain. Rain takes a weak kick. Rachel Summerlyn strikes Rain. Rain counters a sleeper with a jaw breaker and is able to get free! Sloppy short range spear from Rain. Rachel Summerlyn is in trouble. Acid Rain! 1....2....3.

Winner: Rain

WAIT! YOU watch Shimmer?!?!?

no, but i make cards for a living, lol

SHIMMER Women Athletes #1

Segment 1
Britani Knight vs Daizee Haze

Britani takes a chop
from The Haze. Britani Knight takes a knee lift from The Haze. 1 - 2 -
no 3 though. Britani blocks a suplex attempt using the power of gravity.
Britani Knight strikes Daizee Haze. Kick from Britani, although
hilariously she almost falls over as a result. HAH! Britani Knight
strikes Daizee Haze. Daizee Haze pulls a mule kick out of nowhere. The
Haze hits a high kick on Britani Knight. Britani Knight can barely
stand. Mind Trip!!! That shook the ring. 1....2....3!!

Winner: Haze

Segment 2
Daffney vs Christina Von Eerie

Daffney
bitch-slaps Von Eerie. Von Eerie takes a chop from Daffney. Von Eerie
takes a chop from Daffney. Daffney hits an arm drag on Von Eerie.
Christina Von Eerie elbows Daffney in the face to break a hammerlock.
Daffney takes a chop from Von Eerie. Christina Von Eerie hits a crap
missile dropkick on Daffney. 1 - 2 - kick out. Daffney pushes out of a
Christina Von Eerie hold. Daffney hits a crap missile dropkick on Von
Eerie. 1 - 2 - kick out. Daffney blasts Von Eerie with a crap kick. 1 - 2
- 2.999 Daffney drops an elbow...but misses...HAH. Kick from Christina
Von Eerie to the leg. I guess Daffney hasn't got a leg to stand on...or
something. Eh, screw it. Daffney counters an avalanche with a raised
foot to the face. Daffney arm drags Von Eerie over. SMELL THE RATINGS.
Christina Von Eerie is in trouble. Lobotomy! 1....2....3.

Winner: Daffney

Segment 3
Allison Wonderland vs Hailey Hatred vs Jennifer Blake vs Shantelle Taylor

Dropkick
from Wonderland. Weak-ass chop from Wonderland. That blew. 1 - 2 - kick
out. Back heel kick from Wonderland on Shantelle, missed by miles.
Shantelle reverses a Allison Wonderland hammerlock. Allison Wonderland
takes a knee lift from Shantelle. 1 - 2 - no 3 though. Back heel kick
from Shantelle on Wonderland. 1 - 2 - no 3 though. Wonderland counters
an avalanche with a raised foot to the face. Incredibly weak headbutt on
Hailey by Wonderland. Wonderland tags out to Hailey Hatred. Shantelle
Taylor walks into a chop to the pecs. Hailey Hatred scores with a face
jam on Hailey Hatred. Hailey Hatred uses an armbreaker to take Shantelle
down. Hailey Hatred nearly ends the career of Shantelle with a screwed
up german suplex. Thousands of geeks worldwide will be downloading that
MPEG tomorrow, guaranteed. 1 - 2 - 2.999 Hailey tags out to Jennifer
Blake. Blake hits a spinning back kick. Jennifer Blake with an enziguri.
1 - 2 - kick out. Blake hits a dropkick on Shantelle Taylor. 1 - 2 -
shoulder up. Jennifer Blake hits a crap missile dropkick on Shantelle. 1
- 2 - almost a 3. Tag to Allison Wonderland. Messed up second rope
splash by Wonderland. Dropkick from Wonderland. Blake takes a chop from
Wonderland. Wonderland drops an elbow...but misses...HAH. Jennifer Blake
blasts Wonderland with a crap kick. Allison Wonderland can barely
stand. Frak You! 1....2....3.

Winner: Blake

Segment 4
The Canadian Ninjas vs Jersey Shore

JWoww
gets caught with a belly to belly suplex from Matthews. Hard legsweep
by Matthews. 1 - 2 - shoulder up. JWoww powers out of a headlock. JWoww
punches away at Nicole Matthews. JWoww hits a headlocky thing off the
ropes. JWoww tags out to Snooki. Snooki hits a big clothesline. Snooki
misses a clothesline. Matthews tags out to Portia Perez. Canadian Ninjas
whip Snooki into the ropes and hit a double clothesline. Legsweep.
There's probably a Japanese name for that....like Golden Dragon Nuclear
Spike....that'll do, i'll call it that from now on. 1 - 2 - shoulder up.
Snooki takes a rana from Portia Perez. Portia tags out to Nicole
Matthews. Front legsweep slam by Nicole Matthews, that was cool. 1 - 2 -
kick out before the 3. Snooki pulls a mule kick out of nowhere. Tag to
JWoww. JWoww hits a weak elbow on Nicole Matthews. Jersey Shore have
Nicole Matthews to themselves. It's Jersey, Bitch! 1....2....3! It's
over.

Winner: Jersey Shore

Segment 5
Last Man Standing Match
Sara Del Rey vs Serena Deeb

Sara
Del Rey uses a forearm to the face. Del Rey slams Serena Deeb down. The
referee is counting: 5....6....Serena Deeb is back up. Sara Del Rey
misses a clothesline. Serena Deeb arm drags Del Rey over. SMELL THE
RATINGS. Serena strikes away at Sara Del Rey. Hip toss onto a chair by
Serena. Del Rey counters an arm wringer with an elbow to the side of the
head. Full nelson on Serena...i remember when Warlord used to do that.
God he sucked. Daizee Haze comes running down the aisle with a chair!
Del Rey whips Serena Deeb into the ropes. The Haze jumps onto the apron
with the chair! Collision between The Haze, Serena, and the chair!
Serena Deeb falls to the canvas. Serena Deeb is in trouble. Here it
comes - Royal Butterfly. The referee counts to 10, this match is over!
Del Rey and The Haze tie Serena Deeb up in the ropes, then start
punching away at her until referees run down and break it up.

Winner: Del Ray

Segment 6
Shimmer Championship Match
Madison Eagles (champion) vs MsChif

Eagles
slams MsChif. Madison Eagles hits some punches. MsChif gets slammed. 1 -
2 - no 3 though. Thrown slam by Madison Eagles. 1 - 2 - shoulder up.
MsChif pushes out of a Madison Eagles hold. Suplex by MsChif. 1 - 2 -
shoulder up. Reverse DDT on Eagles. Eagles reverses a MsChif hammerlock.
Death valley driver by Madison Eagles, MsChif got planted hard...that
was cool. MsChif can barely stand. Hell Bound! 1....2....3.

Winner: Eagles

SHIMMER Women Athletes #2

Segment 1
Pretty Bitchin' vs Regeneration X

Danger gets
smacked around like a bitch. Ariel slams Allison Danger down. 1 - 2 -
shoulder up. Danger blocks a kick from Ariel. Allison Danger uses an
armbreaker to take Ariel down. Allison Danger scores with a face jam on
Ariel. Tag to Leva Bates. Diving headbutt from Leva Bates, not much
elevation. Ariel kicks Leva Bates in the gut to reverse the momentum.
Tag to Nikki Roxx. Leva Bates gets hip tossed by Nikki Roxx. Nikki Roxx
hits a spinning back kick. 1 - 2 - no 3 though. Flying elbow off the top
rope by Nikki Roxx. Tag between Nikki Roxx and Ariel. Powerbomb on Leva
Bates. 1 - 2 - almost a 3. Ariel misses a big legdrop and lands
ASS-FIRST on the mat. Leva Bates hits a wheel kick on Ariel. Leva Bates
tags out to Allison Danger. Ariel eats a swinging neckbreaker slam from
Danger. Ariel is all alone...Sonic Screwdriver!! 1....2....3!

Winner: Regeneration X

Segment 2
LuFisto vs Sarah Stock

Stock
takes a headbutt from LuFisto. LuFisto with a spinning neckbreaker on
Stock. 1 - 2 - kick out. Stock reverses a LuFisto hammerlock. Second
rope flying axe handle, LuFisto goes down. Stock hits a massive spinning
kick to the jaw. Sarah Stock hits a rolling kick on LuFisto. Stock only
gets knees on a splash. Full nelson on Stock...i remember when Warlord
used to do that. God he sucked. Sarah Stock is in trouble. Burning
Hammer! 1....2....3.

Winner: LuFisto

Segment 3
Serena Deeb, Jessie McKay, and MsChif vs Annie Social, Melanie Cruise, and Daffney

MsChif
uses a forearm to the face. Gut buster, Cruise hits hard. Tag to Jessie
McKay. Jessie hits a flying kick on Cruise. Back heel kick from Jessie
on Cruise. 1 - 2 - kick out. Tag to Serena Deeb. Deeb and McKay whip
Cruise into the corner. Jessie McKay whips Serena Deeb in for a hard
clothesline to follow-up. Cruise gets squashed in the corner with an arm
to the face. Cruise counters an avalanche with a raised foot to the
face. Melanie Cruise hits a right hand on Serena Deeb. Cruise tags out
to Daffney. Serena Deeb takes a knee lift from Daffney. Daffney blasts
Serena with a crap kick. 1 - 2 - almost a 3. Daffney hits an arm drag on
Serena. Tag to Annie Social. Armbar takedown from Annie Social, boring
me senseless. Hard legsweep by Annie. Serena reverses a waistlock.
Serena tags out to MsChif. Annie eats a suplex like a fat man eating a
waffle. Man i could use a waffle right about now. Tag between Annie
Social and Melanie Cruise. MsChif takes a kick. MsChif blocks a suplex
attempt using the power of gravity. MsChif moves in for the kill.
Desecrator! 1....2....3.

Winner: Serena Deeb, Jessie McKay, and MsChif

Segment 4
Shimmer Tag Team Championship Match
Daizee Haze and Tomoka Nakagawa (champions) vs Jersey Shore

Kick
from Daizee Haze to the leg. I guess Snooki hasn't got a leg to stand
on...or something. Eh, screw it. Vertical suplex by Daizee Haze. Snooki
was really high...i can relate to that. 1 - 2 - kick out. Snooki
counters an arm wringer with an elbow to the side of the head. Snooki
strikes Daizee Haze. Snooki hits a headlocky thing off the ropes. Tag
between Snooki and JWoww. Slam from JWoww on The Haze. The Haze counters
an arm wringer with an elbow to the side of the head. Tag between
Daizee Haze and Tomoka Nakagawa. JWoww walks into a chop to the pecs.
Nakagawa hits a flying kick on JWoww. 1 - 2 - kick out. Tomoka Nakagawa
hits a bad delayed suplex on JWoww. Nakagawa tags out to Daizee Haze.
Daizee Haze blasts JWoww with a crap kick. 1 - 2 - 2.999 JWoww, like so
many teenage boys, uses a right hand. Except in this case, it's for a
punch. JWoww hits a big clothesline. Tag between JWoww and Snooki. The
Haze takes a second rope chop from Snooki. Daizee Haze is in big
trouble...It's Jersey, Bitch!! 1....2....3!

Winners: Jersey Shore

Segment 5
Courtney Rush vs Jessica James

Weak
kicks from Jessica. Those were shit. Chop by Jessica on Courtney. 1 - 2
- shoulder up. Courtney blocks a punch. Courtney suplexes Jessica to
the canvas. Courtney suplexes Jessica to the canvas. Jessica tastes a
back suplex. Courtney Rush misses a big legdrop and lands ASS-FIRST on
the mat. Back heel kick from Jessica on Courtney, missed by miles.
Jessica James drives Courtney Rush into the corner. Tornado DDT!!!
1....2....3!! It's all over.

Winner: James

Segment 6
Shimmer Championship Match
Madison Eagles (champion) vs Mercedes Martinez vs Cheerleader Melissa

Eagles
gets slammed. Mercedes Martinez hits some punches. Madison Eagles ducks
a Mercedes Martinez clothesline. Thrown slam by Madison Eagles. Melissa
hits a piledriver on Madison Eagles. 1 - 2 - kick out before the 3.
Rude Awakening on Cheerleader Melissa by Mercedes. Cheerleader Melissa
reverses a hip toss. Eagles \ Melissa whip Mercedes into the corner.
Madison Eagles whips Cheerleader Melissa in for a hard clothesline to
follow-up. Lariat, apparently Eagles thinks he is Stan Hansen. Suplex by
Melissa. Madison Eagles ducks a Cheerleader Melissa clothesline.
Madison Eagles with a spinning neckbreaker on Mercedes. Mercedes
Martinez can barely stand. Here it comes - Hell Bound. 1....2...3, it's
finished.

Winner: Eagles

SHIMMER Women Athletes #3

Quote :

Match #1
Jennifer Blake vs Allison Wonderland

Blake hits an arm drag on Wonderland. Kick from Jennifer Blake to the leg. I guess Wonderland hasn't got a leg to stand on...or something. Eh, screw it. Blake hits a quick kick on Wonderland. 1 - 2 - shoulder up. Flying elbow from Jennifer Blake. 1 - 2 - kick out. Wonderland backdrops Jennifer Blake out of a piledriver attempt. Jennifer Blake gets hip tossed by Wonderland. 1 - 2 - no 3 though. Back heel kick from Wonderland on Blake, missed by miles. Blake counters a backdrop with a kick to the face. Jennifer Blake with an enziguri. Allison Wonderland is in trouble. Frak You! 1....2....3.

Winner: Blake

Match 2
Tables Match
Allison Danger vs Christina Von Eerie

Danger takes a chop from Von Eerie. Christina Von Eerie goes to suplex Danger through a table, but she slips out the backdoor. Christina Von Eerie bitch-slaps Danger. Face crusher from Von Eerie on Danger. Allison Danger pulls a mule kick out of nowhere. Allison Danger slams Von Eerie down. Allison Danger hits a bulldog off the ropes. Allison Danger misses a clothesline. Christina Von Eerie with an enziguri. Von Eerie throws Allison Danger onto the table, climbs to the top rope...and uses a flying elbow drop to collapse the table and pick up a victory. Serena Deeb comes running down the aisle, and gets into the ring! Serena Deeb spins Von Eerie around. Serena Deeb hits the Spear! Christina Von Eerie has been left down on the canvas.

Winner: Christina Von Eerie

Match 3
Pretty Bitchin' (Ariel & Nikki Roxx) vs MsChif and LuFisto

Big clothesline on Nikki Roxx. Nikki Roxx ducks a wild right hand. Nikki Roxx snap suplexes LuFisto. Tag between Nikki Roxx and Ariel. Thrown slam by Ariel. Big backdrop on LuFisto, executed well. Ariel drops an elbow...but misses...HAH. Big backdrop on Ariel, executed well. LuFisto tags out to MsChif. MsChif hits a right hand. Ariel eats a suplex like a fat man eating a waffle. Man i could use a waffle right about now. MsChif walks into a trip. MsChif walks into a spinning heel kick. The camera pans to some fat guy in the crowd....remember kids, fat people are evil. Tag to Nikki Roxx. Nikki Roxx turns MsChif inside-out with a clothesline. 1 - 2 - 2.999 Nikki Roxx slams MsChif down. LuFisto scoops up Nikki Roxx for a slam, then turns....but MsChif accidentally gets hit in the face with the raised legs of Nikki Roxx. MsChif is in trouble. Barbie Crusher! 1....2....3. LuFisto and MsChif remain in the ring. MsChif does not look happy at losing. LuFisto goes to leave, but gets pulled back in by MsChif. Tensions seem to be rising between these two.

Winners: Pretty Bitchin'

Match 4
Cheerleader Melissa vs Jessica James

Cheerleader Melissa snap suplexes Jessica. Vertical suplex by Cheerleader Melissa. Jessica James was really high...i can relate to that. Pick-up into a powerbomb, Jessica hits hard. Melissa hits a great swinging DDT on Jessica James. Jessica James can barely stand. Kudoh Driver!!! That shook the ring. 1....2....3!!

Winner: Melissa

Match 5
SHIMMER Tag Team Championship Match - Special Referee: Sarah Stock
Jersey Shore [JWoww & Snooki](champions) vs Sara Del Ray & Daizee Haze

JWoww hits a weak punch on Sara Del Rey. Big forearm by JWoww, which was thrown so badly that i spilt my beer laughing. Damn. 1 - 2 - kick out. Del Rey gets out the back of a JWoww bodyslam attempt. Big backdrop on JWoww, executed well. Del Rey hits a piledriver on JWoww. Tag between Sara Del Rey and Daizee Haze. The Haze face jams JWoww. JWoww ducks a wild right hand. JWoww tags out to Snooki. Hilariously weak brawling from Snooki. Snooki strikes Daizee Haze. 1 - 2 - no 3 though. Messed up second rope splash by Snooki. Tag between Snooki and JWoww. JWoww scores with a awesomely-bad looking standing spinebuster. 1 - 2 - 2.999 JWoww drops an elbow...but misses...HAH. JWoww takes a chop from The Haze. The Haze tags out to Sara Del Rey. Vertical suplex by Sara Del Rey. JWoww was really high...i can relate to that. Sara Del Rey small packages JWoww out of nowhere. 1.2.3! Fast count! Sarah Stock screwed JWoww! JWoww attacks Stock. Sarah Stock gets knocked to the ground by JWoww. Here it comes - Mounted Punches, right on the money. JWoww leaves Stock on the mat.

Winners: Del Ray and Haze

Match 6
Madison Eagles vs Hailey Hatred

Hailey gets slammed. Bodyslam by Eagles. 1 - 2 - no 3 though. Hailey Hatred ducks a Madison Eagles clothesline. Madison Eagles walks into a chop to the pecs. Kick from Hailey Hatred to the leg. I guess Eagles hasn't got a leg to stand on...or something. Eh, screw it. Hailey Hatred arm drags Eagles over. SMELL THE RATINGS. Hailey only gets knees on a splash. Hailey walks into a slam. Hailey Hatred is in trouble. Here it comes - Hell Bound. 1....2...3, it's finished.

Winner: Eagles