Take a Deep Breath

*Long blog. Sorry. Just need to get stuff off my shoulders.*

Been a rough week. my bf and I split. (he's a controlling, emotionally abusive, cheater) my close friend, we call him Sapper, died. Take a Deep Breath 709642

and then i log onto this place and get this gut sinking feeling that always comes over me when i log here. Why? because this place is overrun by cliques and besties...

Silva & the WFigers
Dead & Hailey
Dead & Vee
Keri & Blue (even though he not here)
Tank & Kevin
Reign & Hailey
NCD & Kevin
CP & Mia (LOVE LOVE LOVE)
Coco & Kevin

see where i'm going? and at the end of all these groups, besties and cliques we have...Vixen & ??? yeah that's right...I'm not really accepted or welcomed anywhere. I dont belong with any person or persons here.

As with any authority figure, i'd expect soem degree of isolation/alienation...but to the point it's at now it's a bit shocking and depressing. And it gets worse with those little things called respect and appreciation. I got none of that shit either.
---

when i joined this place 2 years ago i didnt expect things to turn out this way. I joined with the intent of making a few friends and chatting wrestling with people who share the same interest. Time passes and I developed what i would like to be long-time friendships, but i feel that isnt the case now.

I watch the cliques form and get closer and closer...seemingly while I drift away from everyone. i feel the distance growing ever stronger and it kinda disturbs me in a way. I try to reach out to those who i feel have tossed me to the wayside but i get that gut feeling i'm a mere annoyance now. (of course i'm an annoyance to a few folks here..i cant do my job without pissing someone off lol)

but to people who i consider friends..i feel like the friendship has deteriorated..and soon it will be gone and we'll be nothing more than 2 people on a message board.

I used to joke about this but i think it's true. When you're an admin, you arent really allowed to have friends. and to be honest it breaks my heart. I've always been a sensitive person and my friendships are pretty much all i have outside my daughter. Friends, to me, ARE my family and i wouldnt have it any other way. But they're drifting apart one by one.

Part of me just wants to run away...a large part of me actually...and get out of everyone's hair. It's a feeling i have had for weeks to just leave this place where i truly feel like the odd person out. Mia has CP, Vee has Dead, Keri has Blue, LL has Kevin and Hailey...

where exactly do I belong? it seems most only turn to me when their world is tumbling down. That's ok. I actually enjoy being the one to help people pick up the pieces of their lives. But when the chips are down for me, where do I go? everyone is far to busy to listen to my stupid problems. Seems i have no worth outside of being the 'fixer' for everyone else. I just always thought i was worth more than that.

So i guess in the end i am trying to decide if i really truly belong here on WD anymore. I dont see it. Everyone has found their 'special someone' here on the forum. Even people who held that spot for me have seemingly moved on to 'better friends'. I'm left in the dust just wondering if i should bother to stick around here. Yeah I do alot for this place and i take ALL the slack on staff about it...and i wouldnt have it any other way because Mia, Vee and Keri are 3 amazing ladies. I would take all the staff drama and bashing for them 10x over if i have to. None of them deserve one harsh word said about them, ever.

Anyway, i'm actually tearing up typing this so i guess i'll stop here. I just am finding it hard to figure out my place on WD anymore. I dont think i belong here or with anyone here any longer...if I ever did. It sucks to think or feel but everyday i log in..and it's like 'why bother? no one cares about you...and the ones that do only care to see you walk out that door, Sammie and not return..'
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Re: Take a Deep Breath Sat 02 Apr 2011, 8:03 am by **VLG.**

You'd be amazed how many people carwe for you Vix.

As you said, everyone turns to you when they have problems, but who do you turn to? Well, if you ever need someone to talk to, you know where to find me.

Re: Take a Deep Breath Sat 02 Apr 2011, 9:04 am by **KTV-Time**

You had my crying today Lady and saturdays are usually my off day from crying.

I just want to know where we stand? I've always, always been there for you. You talked about Casey, i wanted to meet Casey, i wanted to talk to him, befriend him, because he was special to you. I wanted to know him, so I know who he is....and to make sure he's good enough for you.

You are my friend and I KNOW whenever my world came tumbling down and I've always told you, youu need someone to talk too i'm there and whenever you needed me,....i felt i was.

But i do feel i had to drag a few things out of you sometimes. Whenever i noticed you weren't the same.

I really do hope you reconsider, you can leave the forum, that's ok, just dissapear from my life forever.

I Love you hun, i really do. Don't leave me forever Teary Eyed

Re: Take a Deep Breath Sat 02 Apr 2011, 11:49 am by **Venom**

I'm really sorry you feel like this. (And about your friend passing :/). I'm really emotional today (woke up and continued crying like I did last night) but most of the things you described are exactly how I'm feeling. Not on here though. Outside of the internet with my family and friends.

I can't tell you how many times I've felt like disappearing. From the internet, school, just life. When you're down you feel like you're a bother to everyone but that's not always true.

You can always talk to me if you feel this way. You're a strong person. I can't imagine having to be responsible for another's life, that's a HUGE job, and not just ANYONE can do it. It takes someone special to be a mother. <3

Re: Take a Deep Breath Sat 02 Apr 2011, 12:37 pm by **Paul Wyatt**

Aww, Vixie!

You and I don't speak frequently anymore, but I'm still probably closest to you.

VLG is right. People talk to you be you're trustworthy; but you feel like you'd be such a burden to someone by venting - getting something off your chest. You can't keep all feelings bottled up forever, it just isn't healthy.

You've been a great friend, Vix. Glad to know you. I would hope you'd know I care about you (and not have me get all sappy on the forum hilarious

jk)

Hope you feel better! hugs

Re: Take a Deep Breath Sat 02 Apr 2011, 12:58 pm by **Shimmer Mark**

I'm sorry to hear of the loss of your friend and your boyfriend (although it sounds like you are better off without him, i know that is can still be hard). I completely understand what you mean about the cliques on here. With this being a social site, I kind of expect it, but it just seems overly abundant......and I know what it is like to feel like you are on the outside. We can be on the outside together. hugs

I hope you don't decide to leave because that that would really cut the number of Shimmer fans down (since there are only a few of us to begin with).

I know a lot of people have said that they care about you, and I do too. I know I am rather difficult to nail down (just ask Kev), but I'm here for you.

Re: Take a Deep Breath Sat 02 Apr 2011, 3:41 pm by **Dead**

Youll always be my friend, always. I don't have to be extremely close with someone, with the exception of a few, to be good friends with someone. It's like I've always said, my door is always open and I never turn away from someone who wants to talk or whatever.

Re: Take a Deep Breath Sat 02 Apr 2011, 4:21 pm by **REIGNBOW**

LISTEN BITCH, i love you, and its been reign and vixen since day 1 , so dont forget that, im here for you , your not leaving . Casey is a dick he can go choke on his own dick.

Re: Take a Deep Breath Sat 02 Apr 2011, 4:45 pm by **The Sexy Vixen**

Thanks everyone. and i do feel like a burden but also i feel like i just dont fit in. even those who dont feel they fit in, like i do have that 1 person they know they can run to. I dont. and i can watch people have their inside jokes and secret fun with each other and i just feel completely out of place. dont really have anyone i'm close to here and can talk to for hours on end.

Kevin i love you as well hun.

UNITED STATES OF KIWI wrote:: I just want to know where we stand? I've always, always been there for you. You talked about Casey, i wanted to meet Casey, i wanted to talk to him, befriend him, because he was special to you. I wanted to know him, so I know who he is....and to make sure he's good enough for you.

You'd be surprised. He became very controlling and insulting to me. i kinda regret introducing him to you, X and LL now because he turned into a complete jerk.

he didnt even have the balls to break up with me himself. i had to hear it from someone else....after him ignoring me for 2 weeks. it's just frustrating to think about because i really did alot for him.

Kevin you are always going to be a close friend of mine. one of the few people who doesnt hate me when it comes down to me doing my job on the forum. hugs

Re: Take a Deep Breath Sat 02 Apr 2011, 5:10 pm by **Dead**

*smacks Vixen*

THATS RIGHT, I DID IT

Re: Take a Deep Breath Sat 02 Apr 2011, 5:17 pm by **The Sexy Vixen**

Dead wrote:: *smacks Vixen*

THATS RIGHT, I DID IT

ouch

Re: Take a Deep Breath Sat 02 Apr 2011, 5:20 pm by **Dead**

:P that's what you get for walking on my lawn

Re: Take a Deep Breath Sat 02 Apr 2011, 5:29 pm by **The Sexy Vixen**

but my frisbee Teary Eyed

Re: Take a Deep Breath Sat 02 Apr 2011, 5:32 pm by **VLG.**

Kev added me to an MSN convo and I met Casey too, and to be honest, I hadn't really formed an opinion of him. I didn't like him, but didn't know why.

Vix, I'm in a similar boat to you. I have friends on the forum but I don't really have anyone I can just talk to for hours on end. I had Vee, but that sorta stopped. I have Kev, but due to unforseen circumstances on my part, I can't really talk that much to him, not at all off the forum. So as I said Vix, you need to talk, I'm all ears.

Re: Take a Deep Breath Sat 02 Apr 2011, 5:40 pm by **The Sexy Vixen**

Thanks VLG. Take a Deep Breath 727800

lots of people tell me they really didnt like Casey

Re: Take a Deep Breath Sat 02 Apr 2011, 5:42 pm by **VLG.**

No problem Vix, I'm willing to listen to anyone who needs a friend to turn to.

Re: Take a Deep Breath Sat 02 Apr 2011, 5:58 pm by **KTV-Time**

The Sexy Vixen wrote:: Kevin you are always going to be a close friend of mine. one of the few people who doesnt hate me when it comes down to me doing my job on the forum.

You and a certain someone on this forum has ALWAYS wanted me gone. Because of the bitch I am on the forum. But we've always kept our forum stuff aside and our personal lives aside and you and that certain someone has always been a really close friend of mine. Regardless of whatever happened on the forum we were friends first.

I love you chica, i really do. You've always been there for me, and i will always be there for you. Never forget that. hugs

Re: Take a Deep Breath Sat 02 Apr 2011, 6:14 pm by **Did You Miss Her?**

Is this some type of April Fool's joke??? Because Vixen you know we will always Vixen and Tank WD's OFFICIAL POWER COUPLE!!!!! Those other couples wish they could be us. We're the shit!!! and we leave a stain like we ain't wipe our asses properly, EWWW! You will always be the "Duchess of Tankville", you know I love u. You're the only reason I stay come here. Fuck the haters, they ain't important at all. Just say the word and I'll destroy all of them. You know you belong here, it's some of those new members that are out of place, NOT YOU! So fuck em with a dildo sign!

Re: Take a Deep Breath Sat 02 Apr 2011, 6:17 pm by **The Sexy Vixen**

Love you too Tank hugs

Re: Take a Deep Breath Sat 02 Apr 2011, 7:18 pm by **C.O.C.O**

Aww, Vix gurl, know i have much for ya. You been so nice to me ever sinced i had joined WD. I do consider you as a friend. if Cierra was here, she would say the same thing. You will ALWAYS be Love and ALWAYS be a friend.

Re: Take a Deep Breath Sat 02 Apr 2011, 7:20 pm by **The Sexy Vixen**

thanks Coco hugs

and i miss Cierra

Re: Take a Deep Breath Sat 02 Apr 2011, 8:35 pm by **Venom**

Viva La Guerrero. wrote:: I had Vee, but that sorta stopped.

You can talk to me anytime you want.

scratch

Re: Take a Deep Breath Sun 03 Apr 2011, 8:22 am by **VLG.**

Party Poison wrote:

Viva La Guerrero. wrote:: I had Vee, but that sorta stopped.

You can talk to me anytime you want.

scratch

I meant we used to talk for hours on end, but now we don't.

Re: Take a Deep Breath Sun 03 Apr 2011, 1:33 pm by **Venom**

Viva La Guerrero. wrote:

Party Poison wrote:

Viva La Guerrero. wrote:: I had Vee, but that sorta stopped.

You can talk to me anytime you want.

scratch

I meant we used to talk for hours on end, but now we don't.

You can fix that?

Re: Take a Deep Breath Wed 06 Apr 2011, 6:44 pm by **Keymaster**

Vixen we love you. Cheer up, love.

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