*Long blog. Sorry. Just need to get stuff off my shoulders.*
Been a rough week. my bf and I split. (he's a controlling, emotionally abusive, cheater) my close friend, we call him Sapper, died.
and then i log onto this place and get this gut sinking feeling that always comes over me when i log here. Why? because this place is overrun by cliques and besties...
Silva & the WFigers
Dead & Hailey
Dead & Vee
Keri & Blue (even though he not here)
Tank & Kevin
Reign & Hailey
NCD & Kevin
CP & Mia (LOVE LOVE LOVE)
Coco & Kevin
see where i'm going? and at the end of all these groups, besties and cliques we have...Vixen & ??? yeah that's right...I'm not really accepted or welcomed anywhere. I dont belong with any person or persons here.
As with any authority figure, i'd expect soem degree of isolation/alienation...but to the point it's at now it's a bit shocking and depressing. And it gets worse with those little things called respect and appreciation. I got none of that shit either.
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when i joined this place 2 years ago i didnt expect things to turn out this way. I joined with the intent of making a few friends and chatting wrestling with people who share the same interest. Time passes and I developed what i would like to be long-time friendships, but i feel that isnt the case now.
I watch the cliques form and get closer and closer...seemingly while I drift away from everyone. i feel the distance growing ever stronger and it kinda disturbs me in a way. I try to reach out to those who i feel have tossed me to the wayside but i get that gut feeling i'm a mere annoyance now. (of course i'm an annoyance to a few folks here..i cant do my job without pissing someone off lol)
but to people who i consider friends..i feel like the friendship has deteriorated..and soon it will be gone and we'll be nothing more than 2 people on a message board.
I used to joke about this but i think it's true. When you're an admin, you arent really allowed to have friends. and to be honest it breaks my heart. I've always been a sensitive person and my friendships are pretty much all i have outside my daughter. Friends, to me, ARE my family and i wouldnt have it any other way. But they're drifting apart one by one.
Part of me just wants to run away...a large part of me actually...and get out of everyone's hair. It's a feeling i have had for weeks to just leave this place where i truly feel like the odd person out. Mia has CP, Vee has Dead, Keri has Blue, LL has Kevin and Hailey...
where exactly do I belong? it seems most only turn to me when their world is tumbling down. That's ok. I actually enjoy being the one to help people pick up the pieces of their lives. But when the chips are down for me, where do I go? everyone is far to busy to listen to my stupid problems. Seems i have no worth outside of being the 'fixer' for everyone else. I just always thought i was worth more than that.
So i guess in the end i am trying to decide if i really truly belong here on WD anymore. I dont see it. Everyone has found their 'special someone' here on the forum. Even people who held that spot for me have seemingly moved on to 'better friends'. I'm left in the dust just wondering if i should bother to stick around here. Yeah I do alot for this place and i take ALL the slack on staff about it...and i wouldnt have it any other way because Mia, Vee and Keri are 3 amazing ladies. I would take all the staff drama and bashing for them 10x over if i have to. None of them deserve one harsh word said about them, ever.
Anyway, i'm actually tearing up typing this so i guess i'll stop here. I just am finding it hard to figure out my place on WD anymore. I dont think i belong here or with anyone here any longer...if I ever did. It sucks to think or feel but everyday i log in..and it's like 'why bother? no one cares about you...and the ones that do only care to see you walk out that door, Sammie and not return..'
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Sat 02 Apr 2011, 8:03 am by VLG.